THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

Because The Brit was having to be the Accent Gigolo each and every time he and the Moose Herder went out (usually to the Blubmouse) he decided to, because all he wanted to do was have a pint or 7 (which is a British thing) in peace he decided to don some wings and a bow and try to become cupid so that the Moose Herder would hook up with a Redneck Mom and leave the poor Brit to just have a pint and chat with the regulars! He suggested to the Moose Herder that he try looking at local singles around his age and locale on line! The Moose Herder was incredibly impressed with the Brits wisdom and he eagerly had the Brit complete a profile for him (coz he can’t type for nothing!)!

Well he got a few hits ……………… and even decided to out with one of them! This made the Brit incredibly happy because of the peace and comfort that would be afforded to the Brit at the pub!

So ……….. the date was set for Thursday January 10, 2008 at 7:45pm at the Blubmouse pub! “Great” thought the Brit ……… if this works it will be brill!

Now, the Moose Herder, being the non-confident person that he is, asked the Brit if he would attend this meeting as his wingman. “oh bollocks!” thought the Brit but went along anyway! The Moose Herder eagerly watched the clock, sinking bud Light for some Dutch courage, tick ever so slowly toward M Hour (M for MOOSE). Well M-Hour came and went ………so, he kept texting her and she him and said each and every time that she was “on her way!” ……………. she arrived at 9:50pm with 2 teenage girls (The Moose Calf’s) in tow, one 11 who was small and mouthy and the other 15 who was bloody huge and sultry! I assume that if she smiled then her face would actually fall off! Then in followed the smallest fella I’d ever seen, not withstanding midgets and little people who appeared to the Brits analytical observation to be the boyfriend of the 15 year old! The Brits mind went over board as he tried to imagine the boyfriend trying to engage in carnal activities withy the huge 15 year old and actually survive it! This thought was quickly dismissed from the mind because he did not want to be put off of his Coors Light!

The Brit, once the Moose Herder and the Moose had actually said 2 words to one another saw his chance to escape and did a bunk back to the house and did he sleep peacefully that night and with a satisfied smile on his face! He dreamt of being able to scoot to the ale house and drink without having each and every bloody introduction he had to make interrupted by a simple minded horse!........... aaaaaaaahhhhhhh paradise!

The next morning, after sleeping great the Brit trotted to the bathroom for the daily morning ablutions only to see the Moose Herders door open and no Moose Herder. He checked out the drive and no redneck dodge truck either! Thinking that the Moose Herder had left for work early he forgot about it and got on with the morning routine! Upon returning to his room the Brit heard the front door open and close! Cautiously looking out of his room he spied the Moose Herder coming in with a huge inane, simple looking grin on his face!

Now, please forgive this writer because he does not follow baseball however it would appear that the Moose Herder got to first base at least on the fist night! It transpires that the Moose Herder did indeed at Apollo Beach in the truck! “Sound as a pound lar” said the Brit trying to get out of the house to go to work instead of getting a blow by blow (no pun intended) account of the previous nights frolicking’s, of which he was about as interested in hearing about as he would be listening to Dan Madden give a play by play account of the differences between Australian marsupials and the lesser spotted Chinese bullfrog!

The following night ………… Friday January 11, 2008, the Moose Herder was meeting The Moose again “oh yeah!!!!!!” thought the Brit ………. “nice one, soon he’ll be out of my bloody (what little he’s got) hair …….. woo hoo!”. However, the Brit had to play ‘wingman’ again! The Moose Herder obviously has no clue that the Brit actually has a life in other drinking establishments other than said Blubmouse! However he thought that this would be a small price to pay for the future peace ahead and agreed! “erm, wot time are we meetin’ ‘er?” exclaimed the Brit. “8:30pm” replied the Moose Herder. They got to the pub at around 8:00pm ……………… 350 texts later between the infatuated couple she arrived at 11:45pm ……………. at which point the Brit was ready to fall asleep! As she entered in all her glory (or is that gory???) the Brit spied 2, nay 3 beefy’s (ickies maybe the correct American translation) sporting her neck! “oh God help us” exclaimed the Brit under his breath!

The Brit got back to the house and immediately went to the computer room to fire up Half Life 1 ………. Whilst he was blasting away the Brit heard the truck pull up and not 1 vehicle but two arrived! The Moose Herder entered, with Moose in hand, said “hi” and disappeared eagerly to the boudoir for some ‘wrestling’.

The following morning, Saturday January 12, 2008 the Brit was watching English soccer on the telly. Soon after the door to the boudoir opened and out came The Moose with dishevelled hair and loads of beefy’s in a row resembling Wilma Flintstones necklace!!!!! “oh God Almighty ……….. how old are these bloody people” sighed the Brit!

The Moose left ………… and the Moose Herder started to give another account of the evenings events when the Brit made his excuses and left …………… as he was getting in his car the Moose Herder informs him that The Moose, the 2 Moose Calf’s and boy friend (now and henceforth known as Pencil Boy) where coming over for a cook-out ……….. “sound as a pound lar’ replied the Brit “no sweat, I’m scooting over to Cluskin for a few pints, have fun”! “well, would it be possible for you to hang around here, I really don’t know these people”! “Oh CRAP!!!!!!!!” thought the Brit but instead said “ok mate …………. sound”! Now, just to fill you in, the Moose Herder is dead paranoid about having stuff taken ………… like he’s really suspicious, hence he asked the Brit to hang around! The Brit needed the evening’s festivities like a hole in the head and would be eagerly watching the clock for it to speed up!

Well mayhem ensued, Pencil Boy and the Moose Calf girlfriend where arguing, the smart mouthed little Moose Calf was well …….. smart mouthing them and The Moose and did nothing to shut them up! Praying for a quick death the Brit sneaked into the computer room to play HL1 …………… only to be followed by the Moose Calf’s and Pencil Boy ……… trying in vain to get them out of there just played and ignored them wherever possible!

Well ……….. at 11pm on Saturday January 12, 2008 they finally decided to leave ………. a fanfare ensued quickly thereafter! The Brit ……. now playing HL1 without interruption was joined by the Moose Herder …………………… “hey” …………….. “yeah, wot mate?” replied the Brit ………. “you know The Moose right?” ……… “erm, yeah mate, why?” ……. “well she’s being treat like this, and being treated like that, and being touched here and there by her male “room mate” and is having a really bad time, and it’s awful for the kids and its squalor ………… blah, blah, blah” …………… This went on for some 15 minutes until he finally gave his gob a rest! “bummer mate” said the Brit with mock concern ………….. like he couldn’t give two hoots!

“well ………….. we’re getting some new room mates” …………….. “huh, wot, huh, eh, wot, say again”? stammered a really worried Englishman! “I hate how she’s being treated there and I need to do this for them” say’s the Moose Herder …………………… Now, at this point the Brit was convinced that he was asleep and this was a really bad dream! ………… well until that cig that he was holding burned right down and burned his finger! …………. It only hurt for a second because the Brit was numb from head to foot! ……………..

He’s known her for 2 F/IN days ……………. seen here 3 F/IN times ……………. is he nuts!!!!!! Well the answer is obviously bloody YES!!!!!!!

“oh ………. erm ……….. ok” mumbled a panicked Brit ……………… “when?” ………….. “tomorrow” replied the Moose Herder ……………….. The Brit was just totally and utterly GOBSMACKED!!!!! ……………. More gobsmacked than Mr. Gobsmacked, the most gobsmacked person on the planet Gobsmack!

So, early Sunday AM up pulls the truck and car and people, the car and truck stuffed with stuff ……….. LOTS OF STUFF!!!!!!!!!!! “Oh bugger this for a game of soldiers” thought the Brit ……….. and off he went to find somewhere to go whilst all this madness was taking place. He found sanctuary at a park where he took a leisurely stroll still hoping at this was some really bad dream but realising that it was not! Then!!!!!! Suddenly it dawned on him ……….. it came at him like a cruise missile ……….. THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT!!!!!! …………. HE WAS THE BLOODY FOOL WHO ENCOURAGED THE MOOSE HERDER TO DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took two hours and a surgeon to remove his own foot from his own backside …………… gone where the dreams of a peaceful pub ………………. not only do they live at the bloody house …………. but they ALL come to the bloody pub!!!!!! ……………. The Moose, the Moose Herder, the Moose Calf’s & Pencil Boy UN-BLOODY-REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SANCTUARY TURNED TO INSANITY!