CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR 2007

The festive season was fast approaching and the Brit was anticipating a good time with his mates and their wives in the redneck town of Cluskin (note: the Brit is not a redneck yet, he’s still studying and has been graded at ‘pink neck’ because he still can’t get the word y’all in the right context, but he does do a good ‘git R dun’).

He was invited by the regulars Jango Mo’s in Cluskin to head over on the Friday before Christmas to the Bubble’s Nursery Christmas party ………. along with the other regulars of said beer selling establishment. Now, believing that this ‘party’ would be taking place at Jango Mo’s was not an unreasonable assumption to make now was it? ………….. Well it came to pass that ALL the regulars had been barred for 90- days by the owner, Coger ………………….. without waffling on about the whole deal it suffice to say that the owner is a total dildo and couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery! The party was held at the nursery right next door to the pub and a good time was had by all J.

The Brit did insist on making use of the loo facilities at Jango Mo’s, his logic being that if he had brought 30 gallons, or more, of beer from that establishment he believed that he had only peed out about 8 gallons ………….. so he was pretty much owed should someone say anything because the owner and the ‘new’ manager where watching the Bubble’s party goers like hawks, thus the Brit was ready with a retort should anything be made of him using the facilities!

Christmas Eve was upon us and the (obviously popular) Brit had been invited to yet another shindig at his mate’s house! Usually the Brit is a particularly grumpy individual at Christmas time and he can be heard muttering “bah humbug” all over the place. Which is why, each year without fail, he is visited during the night by three ghostly apparitions who try their best to set him on the right path to enjoy the festive season. This year, he was going to make the best of it as he was totally cheesed off by these bloody spirits!

Arriving at his mates house with an 8 pack of Boddingtons English Pub Ale and a pint glass in his arms, he was ready for a good Christmas Eve and because he was staying over as well as a pretty darn good Christmas morning also!

All went great, brill time and albeit the Brit had a hangover, caused I might add by the loud music and not the large intake of alcohol ………… well maybe it was the large intake of English ale ……………. the breakfast consisted of sausage, gravy and biscuits. I’m sorry, but the Brit cannot get over the fact that ‘biscuits & gravy’ remind him so much of scones and condensed mushroom soup …………….. After chatting for a while the Brit decided that he was all Christmassed out and decided to head back home to get some well earned rest …………… Setting off happily, iPod blaring away with The Tech Guy show, the Lord decided to play a game with him and dump upon him from a great height!

Whilst driving down the motorway the car decided to start buggering about by slowing down and flashing ‘check engine’ lights at him! “OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $%*#$%$^%^&@!#)” exclaimed the Brit ……………. So he safely pulled over and proceeded to call AAA ……………… OK ……… I know it’s Christmas Day and there will only be limited tow trucks but the Brit must have got the only bloody tow truck working the whole eastern seaboard of the United States coz it took 3 hours 30 minutes to arrive, not only that he made 30 million phone calls to AAA trying to find out when the bugger would be there only to be given the standard answer of “he should be there in 30 to 45 minutes sir, thank you for choosing AAA” CLICK!

Eventually the Brit got to talk to a service person who stated that the driver would be there in about 20 minutes and he’d have the driver call me …………. well, you think that the Brit has an accent? …………….. Well so did the tow truck driver, a really thick Spanish/English accent ………….. Imagine this ………… he’s in a truck, the Brit’s on the side of the interstate, cars and trucks whizzing by, both on cell phones, one Scouse accent that the driver couldn’t fathom out and one Spanish accent that the Brit couldn’t suss out! ………… It’s kind of like a parrot with a hernia trying to talk to the vet and Dr. Doolittle has laryngitis! It was a total waste of phone minutes!
Eventually the tow truck arrived and the Brit was still in one piece and not looking like a skeleton from a pirate film and the car was taken back to the Brits mats and the Brit got into his ‘hunky biker’ garb and rode back home …………. what a bloody day!