ALE AND CLIPPINGS

The name “Tony” seems to be the most popular name on this planet because the Brit’s roommate is also named Tony now referred to as THE MOOSE HERDER “why???” I hear you yell, wait ….. you’ll find out why. Having moved in, the first thing on the Brits priority list was to find a friendly local establishment that sold cold beer ……….. and being the Pub aficionado that he is, it did not take too long ………….he found the Blubmouse, and it’s highly recommended.

“So ………..” I here you ask “how did the big game hunter of the public houses find it”? …………… Funny you should ask …………….. It was pure fluke. The Brit was heading to the grocery store to stock up on some provisions and as he was pulling into the car park he spotted the Clippings Saloon and there were people smoking outside of it …………. “hhhhmmmmmmmm” thought the Brit, “I’ll check that place out after I’ve got me stuff”. So, after going through the checkout he put his stuff in the boot of the car and headed with brisk step to the Saloon …………… Only to find that the only thing that they sold was bloody haircuts ………….. the stupid, brainless, myopic Brit had read SALON as saloon ………….. It’s bloody obvious what’s on the Brits mind isn’t it ……………………. BEER!

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, next door to the salon was the Blubmouse …………….. Lady luck had struck …………. good ale house, pretty decent locals and the bar staff rocked!

Now, not being selfish the Brit called his The Moose Herder to come up for a pint ………………

THE ACCENT GIGOLO

The Moose Herder, is not exactly the most outgoing person on the planet, for living in that same house for 30 years he’d never had the balls to walk into a pub on his own ……… Knowing this our hero (the Brit just in case you had forgotten or did you just think that I was writing about some super marsupial) waited outside the pub for him to arrive ………….

The Blubmouse, being a sports bar, has the usual array of telly’s and sports memorabilia on the wall including a Dale Jr. clock with car ……………. The Moose Herder, being the kleptomaniac that he is was eying this clock up and obviously trying to formulate a plane on how to remove this object from the pub ……….. ‘yeah, in your dreams lad’!

An attractive waitress soon arrived at the table to take our orders. I was pretty bloody thirsty, particularly after having just escaped the Valkyrie from Hell and dead starving! “hi, my name is Lisa, can I get you guys something to drink?” says cute waitress ………….”Would I get into trouble if I was to steal that cool clock?” replies The Moose Herder. “oh, bloody hell bollocks!, are you trying to get me banned on me bloody first day at me new ale ‘ouse?” retorts the Brit. Lisa, our charming waitress, stops dead in her tracks, looks over at the Brit and asks “is that accent for real?”. Before the Brit could get a word out of his gob, The Moose Herder responds with “oh, yeah ………… it’s for real”.

Lisa pulled out the usual questions ………… “are y’all Australian?”, “no,English” says the Brit with the usual patient tone that come with all these questions. “cool” says cute waitress. So the Brit spies good old ‘old fashioned fish & chips’ on the menu and gleefully orders it. Twenty minutes and two Coors Lights later the cute waitress appears from the kitchen area with a plate with hopefully the fish & chips on it! The waitress approaches and puts the plate with the eagerly awaited ‘old fashioned fish & chips’ on it down in front of the hungry Brit.

The Brit takes one look at the ‘old fashioned fish & chips”, forces a smile at the cute waitress and says “ta very much luv”, however in the depths of his mind he’s really thinking “what the bloody hell are these things supposed to be!”? There were no chips, well not in the British sense of the word ‘chips’, new or ‘old fashioned’, on the plate accompanying the fish where what can only be described as the inside of a tennis racket, like the strings!

Anyhow, the waitress departs spouting something about “nice, accent’ and “enjoy your meals” …………. the Brit takes one quizzical look at The Moose Herder and says “what the F are these bloody things supposed to be”? ………… The Moose Herder, gob full of a club sandwich that came with tomato even though he specifically asked for “no tomatoes’, replies with “oh them, they’re waffle fries”. I guess that one learns something in this great country every day! So now, having stored this valuable information in his mindless brain the Brit now orders “fish & chips please, not those tennis racket chips, but straight chips” ………… problem solved!

Shortly another waitress appeared at our table and asks me if “everything is alright”, and the Brit responds with, “fine luv, sound as a pound, but give uz another Coors Light please” …………… giggles …………… “oh, Lisa was right you do have a cute accent, where are you from”?. The Moose Herder, still wolfing down his club sandwich with tomatoes now removed, responds with “he’s from England”.

This butting into any question that was asked of the Brit soon became a precedent for future visits to the Blubmouse and talking to people in general, particularly people of the female variety. Each time they went to the pub The Moose Herder would encourage the Brit to order the beer, “can I ‘ave a Coors Light draught and a Bud Light draft please luv” …………….”you’ve got an accent, where are you from”? He’d butt in with “He’s from England y’all, and Hi, my name is The Moose Herder, what’s yours”?

Now it didn’t really matter whether it was waitress, barmaid or regular female customer, The Moose Herder would answer for the Brit who was pretty much nothing more than an accent gigolo! He felt like a ventriloquists dummy, sitting there like a lemon with a beer in hand! Ah well such was the start of the Brit’s single life!
Since then, The Moose Herder has actually gone to the pub on his own, without looking like he was joined to the Brits hip! the Brit has made a few friends there and has been accepted by the local pub going community without issue ………… and he has now found his home from home …………… which, unbeknownst to the Brit would eventually become a sanctuary of sanity ………….. but more on the reasons why later!