NFL's GREATEST GAME

Not even The Moose Herd and all the shenanigans of this “white trash” (though using that phrase is an insult to real white trash ……. ah ……….. but I digress!

Not even this hard-pressed, exciting, superhuman of a reporter can get away from the manly sports scene (even if he does like Hawaiian pizza) …………

The NFL Channel are showing ‘greatest games’ ……….. well ‘Signor Napoli Telly’ or SNT is replaying one of the greatest games ever in the 2007 DDD Fantasy Football League:

AND ………………….. believe it or not it does NOT involve the Crazy Brits, who were in this humble reporters opinion were without doubt the best, greatest yet unluckiest football team in the history of the DDD Destroyers league …………. but I digress ………..

Played October the 16th in the year of our Lord 2007.

Crazy Brits at Steamrollers ………..

Did I say it wasn’t involving The Crazy Brits??? …………. I LIED!

The Steamrollers coach, Mr. J. Bellew the most arrogant person in the whole of DDD Football had it in his head that he would put ‘a hurting’ on this mild mannered yet cheeky Englishman but he was to thwart by sheer class, skill and that British Bulldog sprit ……… the same spirit that saved this (to be read with Land of Hope & Glory & Rule Britannia playing in the background) Sceptred Isle, this Throne of Kings, this England in 1940 during the Battle of Britain when Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill said “never in the field of human conflict has no much been owed by so many to so few”

………… this is how The Crazy Brit was going to defeat the hated steamrollers …….. AND he gave the clown a chance ………. he deliberately left out a player (well actually the fool forgot about a bye week like a pillock) ………………………….. after playing what can only be described as the most heavenly, skilful most excellently brilliant game of his and anyone else for that matters career the Crazy Brit won 109 super, brilliant, fantastic points to a paltry, measly, wimpy 54!

Fantasy Football starts again soon and the Crazy Brit’s are up for it …………. to all others in the league ………. be afraid ……….. be very, very afraid!

For SNT Sports this is Tony Naples signing out!

Closed captioning sponsored by:

Willie McFaddens Wimpy Welsh Weeners

and The Bob Wallis Cloral Society for Over Active Bladders

AND I THOUGHT LIGHTENING DOESN'T STRIKE TWICE!

Well did I get that wrong of what!

Well as with all good MOOSVIES …………….. oopppsss, dodgy spelling, I mean of course to say MOVIES! ……………….. Well as with all good movies is the original received critical acclaim then they come out with the sequel …………… The same goes for moosvies also ………….

REPO-MAN 2 – The Hyundai Hitcher

The Brit was quietly sitting in his sanctuary part of the Moose Barn, well maybe not exactly quietly ………… he was racing on NASCAR Sim Racing at Texas Motor Speedway under the guise of Tony Naples Jr. in the #69 Chevy Monte Carlo (hhhmmm what other number would you expect from the scourge of the Soccer Mom’s) ……… the Brit when all said and done is Soccer Mom Central anyhow I digress. The Brit was leading at Texas with 15 to go when some bloody backmarker lost it in front of him and he got taken out! WANKER! Hmmm and the cursing measured 99,000 on the Richter Scale!

Well …………. just after that incident and I had duct taped the now thrown to the wall PC back together I heard a familiar sound?

Is it a Concert Pianist playing Bach with a small marsupial up his jacksee? Shouts me!

Note: This is NOT the concert painist for those who thought that it was.

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO yells the crowd!

Is it a Howdy Doody impersonator juggling 16 small frog like creatures?

Howdy Doody (not that I know who the bloody hell he is, but I've heard of him, well sort of!

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yells the crowd more fervently!

IT’S REPO-MAN!

GUESS WHO?

The Brit …………….. now obviously being a hardened veteran of this type of activity quickly donned his disguise of (and don’t try this at home kiddlies) ……. :

a) – One well worn, stained (usually with gear oil and grease and scruffy “wife Beater” vest …………..
b) – Really dodgy denim shorts with hole and or patch appropriately in the bum area …….
c) – Bad open toes (none Jesus-like) sandels
d) - the obligatory cold beer (Old Milwaukie is best, but any brand will do)
e) and finally …………. sit on porch and say “git r dun” at least three times!

This time they were taking the Moose In Law’s really bad Hyundai that still had the paper temporary tag taped to the inside of the rear windscreen!

Unfortunately this particular repossession was nowhere near as entertaining as the first Moosvie because the Moose and the Moose Herder were both in their room asleep (yeah ……. always in the afternoon) the Moose Calf’s were out somewhere with some dodgy relative and the Moose In Law was in her stall ……………… so the Brit just took his vantage point, even though he got some looks from the Repo-Man when the Brit exited the Moose Barn …………and the Brit just took his vantage point on the veranda muttering something like “it’s not mine mate …….. have at it spud” …….. and sipped quietly on his Coors Light ……….. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh tasty J

Closed captioning for “And I thought that lightening didn’t strike twice! –“ is brought to you by:

KOON’S KRAPPY KARAOKE

and

THE S. MOHLER INSTITUTE FOR DOOR LEANING

BREAKING NEWS - BRIT'S ON THE MOVE!

The Moose Barn has become a huge total bloody disaster!

A TYPICAL MOOSE BARN

The Moose and the Moose Herder tied the not on June 23rd and since them the Moose is showing her true nasty colours ………. AND ……………. here’s the kicker ………… they have moved in THREE MORE BLOODY PEOPLE! A 20 yr old EX (note the EX) sister in law and two kids ………. a girl of 4 (what is it with these bloody people that they have to have kids at 16 …….. The Moose, a Moose Calf and the Moose in Law all gave birth at 16!) and a kid of 2 who talks until the early hours of the morning! So there a 9, nine, nueve, nove, neuf, 緊急電話をす, εννέα, negen ……….. no matter what bloody language it’s in IT’S TOO MANY STINKY MOOSES IN ONE PLACE!

MANY STINKY MOOSES

So ………… after due consideration which took all of 23.34 seconds I am “getting the hell out of dodge” as they say here in the good old U.S. of A

I have got a hold of a furnished, carpeted trailer in Ruskin with a screened in porch! …………. So the Brit may become “red of the neck” ……………

GIT R DUN!

Closed captioning sponsored by:

The Boyz Barbecues (know what I mean like Mr.Renaud) and

Pete’s Perfect Parrot Cages of New Port Richey

DO REDNECKS ROCK OR WHAT!

Well the Brit has go give it up to rednecks celebrating Independence Day ………. these fella’s do it with a passion!

The Brit was coerced into travelling with the Moose Herd to a beach at the other side of Tampa Bay to watch the pretty fireworks. So he leapt in his car and followed the Moose Mobile across the bridges to the location by the bay!

Well it was chocka block with trucks and I MEAN CHOCKA BLOODY BLOCK!

I was not able to park directly beside the Moose Mobile because of the gradient and the sand so I took the Brit Car to a car park just down the street!

By the time that I returned the Moose was already knocking back the Mad Dog 20/20

Empty Mad Dog 20/20

and within minutes was staggering around the beach like a sexually frustrated anaemic whale, screaming at the Moose Calf’s with the bellow that only the Moose can do!

Drunken Moose

The Moose Herder was sitting on the coolers at the back of the truck and the Brit sat with him “safer up here than down there to get trampled by the drunken Moose” thought the smart Brit!

The Brit and Moose Herder cracked a couple of cans of ale and eagerly awaited the firework display by a local radio station at the other side of the bay! The countdown began and the fireworks started! But this humble Brit has got to give it up tot eh rednecks on the beach …….. they ROCKED! There were tons of fireworks heading off into the bay by the redneck contingent and this Brit has to applaud them!

The Brit wondered why things had gone so quiet and realised that the Moose had pretty much passed out and the Moose Calf’s where fighting amongst themselves and the Moose Herder was losing control and the sensible Brit though “I’m scooting …….. tarra” and he took off and meandered to his car and took off for the sanctuary of his room in the Moose Barn ……… albeit short time peace and quiet!

It wasn’t long before the Moose Herd arrived back ………. and mayhem ensued as usual.

Pencil boy was fighting with the prego Moose Calf and Pencil Boy’s even tinier and foul mouthed mother was sitting outside with the engine running. Out came Pencil Boy uttering words that would make a docker blush and the Moose yelling and slurring after him as Pencil Boy’s mum screeched away in the ready to fall apart car!

The Brit was viewing this farce, with Coors Light in hand, from the same vantage point as he did for the repossession of the car! ……….. I guess the Brit must have a season ticket for the White Trash Olympics or something!

Ah well …………………… the Brit has just GOT to do something to escape from the Moose Barn ………… they make the Valkyrie from Hell look like sweet furry little characters from Sesame Street!

Not the Valkyrie From Hell

And then there was the nightmare!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH SCREAM!!!!!!!

Closed captioning for DO REDNECKS ROCK OR WHAT! is brought to you by,

Doreen’s Delectable Dusters

and

Renaud’s Rubbishy Fake Rottwellers

JULY 4TH – INDEPENDENCE DAY… OR IS IT?

Roving reporter Tony Naples investigates the truth behind the Boston Tea Party.

"REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 5TH OF NOVEMBER" ………….. Oppppppppppppsssssssss wrong country and wrong 'plot'!

July 4th 1776 is celebrated by Americans as "Independence Day" when they beat and kicked the British out of the Colonies ………….. RUBBISH!!!!! ……….. After unearthing some well hidden documentation that has come to the light of this brilliant investigative reporter and this is what I uncovered!

The Boston Tea Party was always thought to be an act of direct action protest by the American colonists against British Government in which they destroyed many crates of tea bricks belonging to the British East India Company on ships in Boston Harbor. The incident, which took place on Thursday, December 16, 1773, has been seen as helping to spark the American Revolution and remains to this day one of the most iconic events of the era.



FAKE, MADE UP PICTURE OF THE (SO-CALLED) BOSTON TEA PARTY

Here is actually what happened ……………………………

The British sailors were totally fed up with Bud-bloody- wieser



A FED UP BRITISH SAILOR

and really wanted nothing more but to get their arses back to Miss Wendy at the Rigby's pub on Tithebarn Street, Liverpool, England for a pint of real English pub ale!




MISS WENDY

RIGBY'S PUB – A PLACE THAT THIS WRITER HAS HAD MANY A
BEER AND HAS BEEN KNOWN TO 'STUMBLE OUT
OCCASIONALLY AND SOUND INCOHERENT
(THOUGH MANY HERE IN THIS 'US OF A' THINK
HE'S INCOHERENT AT THE BEST OF TIMES)

A PINT OF 'REAL' ALE

Now ……… if you think about it, the English ships of the day were driven across the Atlantic Ocean by wind ……..

NO NO NO!!!!!! NOT THAT TYPE OF BLOODY WIND YOU PILLOCK!!!!! 'blowing' type wind!

ENGLISH SHIP OF THE DAY

So …………….. obviously the quickest way to get back to Blighty is to make the ships lighter!!!! So the fed up British sailors decided to chuck the tea overboard to make the ships lighter to get home to Rigby's in lime for 'last orders' …………. So that's what they did, chucked the bloody stuff overboard!

Fed up sailors chucking crates!

All was going great, the boxes of tea were getting chucked overboard, and the ship was visibly lighter ………..However ………….. there's always bloody one isn't there ………. always one that can't get the job done right!!!!! Able Seaman Lipton got his crate stuck on a rope!!!!!! and he was pulling it and dropping it like a nutter ………………….. but he did end up inventing the 'tea-bag' despite his misfortune!



SAILOR LIPTON INVENTING TEA BAG IN BOSTON HARBOUR

Yet, even though the history books may be a little cloudy the Independence Day celebrations did in fact give the world something HUGE!!!!!

The French gave us art ………….


A CRAPPY FRENCH PAINTING

The Italians gave us architecture and the sewer …………

A TYPICAL ITALIAN SEWER

And the British gave us the magnificent, let us not deny, FISH AND CHIPS! the dish that put the GREAT into Great Britain! Rule Britannia and all that good stuff! Plus of course Shakespeare.


MOST EXCELLENT FISH N CHIPS

SHAKESPEARE – NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH
MOST EXCELLENT FISH N CHIPS

These three nations brought art, architecture and sewers and great literature ……… Independence Day brought the world the one and the only

THE HOT (ahem) DOG! ………………..


SAY NO MORE ……………………………………………………….

So there good people are the actual facts about the Boston Tea Party ………………

So my fans, you adoring bunch of people who realise what a great literary genius said Signor Napoli is ……………. I bid thee farewell for now …………

Tony Naples

Closed captioning for The Novels of Tony Naples are brought to you by:

LARRY'S LIQUID NAIL

DARLENE'S FAKE DOGGY DOO'S

AND



THE DOCTOR PHIL SCHOOL FOR NEUROTIC MOOSE HERDERS

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER ?????????????? OR IS IT!

I was sleeping peacefully after a hard nights play on Half-Life 2 Episode 2 (the last part is getting on my bloody wick!) when suddenly I heard the sound of chains and hydraulics right outside my bedroom window! Cautiously I climbed out of the bed and slightly moved the Union Jack (my curtains) only to see a truck backing up to a red Mazda …… the time was 12:35am …… I then heard a 13 year old Moose Calf (who's allowed on the internet, unsupervised all night long) shouting "mom, mom someone's stealing your car" …….. "this was followed with loud, slightly muffled expletives from a toothless white trash Moose who was telling the 13 year old to "CALF!!!!!!! shut the 'book' up!!!" ….. "but mom, they're stealing your car" …………….. after more expletives The Moose finally dragged her blubbery carcass off of the bed and waddled towards the door!

I was still looking out of the window, comfortable in a chair! By this time both the Moose and the Moose Herder were outside, the Moose bellowing at the tow truck driver and no doubt questioning his parentage and genealogy!

By now, I'd slipped into my jeans and put on my white "wife beater' vest ……. hey, if redneck/white trash things are happening one has to dress for the occasion right? I made my way to the fridge for a beer and took by British bum outside to sit under the veranda to watch the show ………. erm ….. proceedings!

Pretty much after a lot of yelling, screaming, cursing and other noised that can only be made by wobbly, toothless white trash females (female of course is the loosest interpretation of the word possible) they tow truck took of with the car!

I have to tell you, this was my first life repossession! …………. the Moose of course had been telling the Moose Herder that all payments had been made, that she was primary and the other fella was just the co-signer …….. the other fella being the "room mate" (my arse) that the Moose had left for the Moose Herder. It transpires the Moose's memory may not be exactly very good …. It would appear that the "room mate" was in fact the primary and that the vehicle was in his name and all the Moose was doing was making the payments ……. or not as it turns out ……….. hahahahaha! ………….

Hhhmmmmmmmmmmmm makes one wonder what type of "room mates" they were ………….. he in fact may have also been a past Moose Herder! Oh well ……………… OH DEAR, HOW SAD, NEVER MIND! Hopefully this'll help stop the Moose Herder from tying the knot with the Moose because I'm sure that if it's a new car over wedding ……. she'll take the car! ……………… 100%!!!!! Assuming of course she doesn't go for both!

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE SPECIAL THANKS FOR A WONDERFUL EVENING TO:

THE MOOSE THE MOOSE HERDER THE REPO TRUCK

THE REPO MAN

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ………. THE MAZDA CAR (ooooooooooppppppppppppsssssssssssss no pic available coz it's gone!……..

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

THE SHERIFF'S MOTEL

Now, not that the Brit is a person who doesn’t trust people, but something wasn’t right with how the Moose had worked the Moose Herder! Something just didn’t sit right with the Brit …………. so, being a cunning individual he easily prised the Moose’s surname from the small Moose Calf. The Brit, at this point could not do his Sherlock Holmes impression and try to suss anything out because the PC’s were in an open space ………… and that’s not a good thing, so upon arriving in work he went online to look at the local Sheriff’s Department website …………. typed in the name of The Moose and lo and behold she was on there, arrested and spent a night at least in the Sheriffs Motel for theft, forgery & passing fraudulent/stolen cheques! “Oh what a bloody shock” thought the Brit sarcastically.

The Brit being of sound mind and body (well maybe not the mind bit) hastily removed ALL pertinent and personal documentation from the Moose Barn (the house) and removed them to the sanctuary and safety of his office!

Now bearing in mind that the Moose Herder had only known the Moose for only 4 days! ………… YES 4 DAYS! ………….. the Brit thought that it may be in the best interests of the Moose Herder to inform him of the Moose’s dodgy character. So on the way home he contacts the Moose Herder and advises him that he may want to come and meet with the Brit at the local pub ALONE! The Moose Herder arrived at the pub and the Brit armed with a Coors & Bud Light plus the printout of the Moose’s record immediately informed the Moose Herder of the Moose’s transgressions. Silence …………. a look of shock ………… was the Moose Herder’s response to the news! Well at first that was …………”well I’m sure that there was a reason” ……….. “want another beer?” ……………… Ah well I tried!

Since then the Moose hasn’t worked, rarely leaves the Moose Barn, rarely cooks and when she does I avoid it like the plague …….. 2 belly aches out of 2 is 2 belly aches too many! Thank the lord for pub food!

Methinks that the Moose will never get off her Mooseish arse and “git r dun’ as far as work goes and I have no doubts that someday soon the Moose Bard will be repossessed ……………. hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm good segue Signor Napoli even if I say it myself!!!!!!!